Remnants of First Love

The day had finally arrived when I can hold my little me in my arms for the first time. I wouldn’t dare to forget the day as it happened when it felt like time slowed down for us. I could see my wife wailing in pain while my hands trembled without pause until I had my little girl wrapped up in a cozy blanket that only highlighted the pink of her features. She was the most beautiful thing I’ve seen or held this close and the feeling was surreal. I was sentimental beyond words as I watched her sleep and stir slightly twitching her lips. I wanted to name her with the most exquisite name that would justify what I felt for her. I could only think of one name – “Janu”.

I know I was being typical trying to name my child after my old love. But only then did I understand why others do it. Holding her for the first time reminded me of the time in school when I first saw her. She had always been the quiet type but I remember the day she sang in front of the entire school – vividly. I could still imagine her eyes glowing in pride and happiness yet keeping her shy demeanor as she sang. That song ended up being my favorite ever after – even now. I used to look at her in admiration whenever she wasn’t looking at me. And sometimes when our eyes caught, I looked away but my insides churned a new way each time. That feeling of an 11-year-old getting the taste of infatuation was incomparable to anything until now. This little being reminded me of her as I yearned for her to catch my gaze and smile.

I had found new love yet it felt like a connection I’ve had forever. I did not have to woo her or talk to her to form an attachment but only hold her close to my chest and she finds home in me as I do with her. I was out of words to tell her how much I loved her just as it had been all those years ago. I kept watching her from afar and dreaming of all those things we could be doing and never had the words to tell her exactly how I felt. Fear had got the best of my adolescence and by the time I got up my courage, it was too late. I couldn’t tell how I burned for her but I was content with her finding happiness. I couldn’t be selfish with her and I wanted only the best for her.

I moved on from her but not her memories…

Life went on with dreams and aspirations to fulfill and meeting someone wasn’t on the list. Though I was not eager to see her again, I kept hoping that someday it might manifest. Even though I knew she had found love, I secretly wished that she would come back running to me. I desired to hold her hands once more, look into her eyes and never let go. I was glad I found her on Instagram years later to remind me of her smile. Her smile hadn’t changed in all these years. Sometimes the feeling was overwhelming and regrets trickled through me reminding me of my helplessness. I was fine except for these occasional visits of her in my head until I saw her.

It was a friend’s wedding and my eyes found her entering the hall wearing a light golden saree with beautiful lilies wrapped over her bun. Her jhumkas dangled as she walked towards the gang of us with a broad smile. It was magical again with my heart beating fast I could actually hear it. She came closer to me and gave me her hand to shake but I froze. Though it wasn’t anything romantic but only a handshake, the touch was special. The group split up as we walked to find some chairs to sit and that’s when I watched her with the same longing that I had back then. I was lucky to find a seat next to her and finally had the chance to talk.

“So, how have you been?” she asked as she finally stirred in her seat turning towards me and giving me her full attention.

“Not so good without you”, I wanted to answer but I said, “Good. What about you? How’s work?”.

“Yeah. it’s fine, but I am planning to quit. Somehow, it’s not something I wanna keep doing”, she said. She looked down and her hands were playing with her clutch.

“Have you been singing?” the words slipped off my mouth. She looked at me curiously and finally said “No, it’s been a long time. I don’t know how I sound any more”. She chuckled.

“That’s a shame. I would give anything to listen to that girl in 7th grade.” I blurted again. My words kept slipping out yet I had no intention of stopping them. I felt this could be a chance to finally tell her what I couldn’t for all these years.

She smiled and looked down at her hands. That’s when I saw the little shiny stone on her finger. I gasped for air and looked at her face. That ring didn’t mean anything but I wanted to know.

“So one girl down. What about you?” I asked in a light tone making sure I didn’t sound desperate. She didn’t look startled by the question but her face turned red. I wanted her to tell me something but I didn’t know what. “Are you still with Ajay?” I questioned.

This time she looked shocked. She nodded and said, “Yes. Actually, I was about to surprise everyone today. Our families have agreed and we might get married in December and we’ll both be leaving for Germany.”

My heart sank that very moment. I hadn’t hoped for her to tell me anything different but I couldn’t control it. She had the same glow and excitement in her eyes as she turned around and told everyone the news. For a while, the world was on mute and her words kept ringing in my ears. I felt the pain of letting her slip resurface again. But now I had to really let go of her as she now belongs to another man.

I was distracted until she held my arm and shook me to my senses. “What about you? Have you umm.. found someone?” she asked.

“No. I haven’t thought about that in years.”

“In years? So you liked someone a long time ago? Someone we know?” she quizzed.

“Yes. Someone we know.”

“So, what happened?” she asked.

“I never got to tell her and anyway it’s been too long. Never mind” I said waving my hand.

“Hmmm. I’m curious though. I haven’t seen you talking to anyone at school. You have to tell me. At least give me hints and I’ll try to find out.” she said this turning her chair to properly face me.

“Back then, she was very quiet and was picky about whom she spoke to. But now she’s turned out to be a chatterbox. ” I said.

“Chatterbox? It can’t be Jessie. She used to be quiet and nobody knows where she is now. Is it her?” she questioned.

I shook my head.”I don’t know either but it’s not her.”

She wondered for a few seconds. “Another clue please” she pleaded cutely and I couldn’t resist. I looked up at her face and found her eyes .” She had the most beautiful eyes”.

She caught my gaze for a moment and turned away.

It was a brief silence until she spoke again. “I know that look. You know I’ve caught you looking at me so many times.” My heart skipped a beat for a second.

“W-w-what?” I babbled.

“You were never going to tell and you still don’t admit it, idiot. But I have to tell you I liked you too” she revealed bursting my heart up in flames.

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